It’s Christmas and, as the song says, “It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer.” As you can see, I gotta problem with Christmas music. So here are my rewritten Christmas carols.

It’s Christmas and, as the song says, “It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer.”

As you can see, I gotta problem with Christmas music.


So here are my rewritten Christmas carols.


I gotcha sugarplum right here, buddy!


 


You gotta dress warm to go walkin’ in a winter wonderland. If you can afford clothes this year.


 


Money talks, can you hear it?


Single payer? Dontcha fear it.


So says Barack.


He says it’s a fact.


We’re livin’ in a fiscal wonderland.


 


The money that they use will come from China


The deficit will grow by leaps and bounds.


The Senate and the House think that it’s finer


to rack the debt up than pay it down.


 


Going broke in Nebraska


out of work in Alaska


po’ in Arkansas,


while Barack works his jaw.


You’re livin’ in a fiscal wonderland.


 


Sarah Palin. What could be more Christmas-y than Sarah Palin in an elf suit cradling either a shotgun or a grandchild in her arms ... or, if you’ve been good, maybe both! Palin is so cool, she’s “Frosty.”


 


She’s Sarah Palin


She’s a pitbull full of fun


Though she’s obtuse, we say turn her loose


‘cause we love to watch her run.


 


She can kill and skin a caribou.


She’s a brilliant frontier cook.


And chewing on a caribou


sure beats reading her book.


 


Oh, she’s Sarah Palin,


Paris Hilton from the right.


She politically a celebrity


and she haunts our dreams at night.


 


Husband or wife just sent BACK overseas?  You ain’t alone. Looks like he or she won’t be “home for Christmas.”


 


I won’t be home for Christmas.


It’s deployment number three.


Afghanistan or Iraq again, it’s all the same to me.


 


I swore to serve my country


but I didn’t know.


I wouldn’t be home for Christmas


for the next five years or so.


 


What do we want for Christmas? Well, if you live in community that has laid off some cops because of the recession, you might join Mariah Carey in a slightly different version of “All I want For Christmas...”


 


I don’t want a lot for Christmas


maybe just a couple cops


someone who will bust and cuff the


scum crack dealers on my block


I just want my neighborhood


to be at least semi-good.


Make my wish come true


Please send me a copper or two.


 


I don’t want to stay up waiting


when I call the freakin’ cops


My ‘hood is disintegrating


guys are selling meth and rock


Stimulus money helps, it’s true.


But it’ll run out when the year is through.


Make my dreams come true


Please send me a copper or two.


 


“Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas?” I don’t think so. Let’s just say America is starring in an endless (and pointless) rap video. Even running for the suburbs doesn’t guarantee anything THESE days.


 


It’s beginning to look a little ghetto, everywhere you go


Take a look in the local park, don’t go there after dark.


The junkies there will rob you don’t you know


It’s beginning to look a little ghetto, they just robbed your local store.


But the scariest sight to see is the drive-by that will be at your own front door


 


A pair of Timbaland boots and a pistol that shoots are the wish of Barney


and Ben.


A tattoo that’s obscene and a kid at 15 is the hope of Janice and Jen.


And Mom and Dad are raising bail again.


 


It’s beginning to look a little ghetto, everywhere you go.


The factory’s closing down, there’s no stores left downtown.


The dollar store’s the only store we know.


It’s beginning to look a little ghetto, work is out of style.


And the folks we elect to run the country are having fun.


Living in denial.


 


And me?  I’m the biggest Little Drummer Boy you ever saw. Lemme play you a little something ... on my drum.


 


I bought a wedding ring


pa rum pum pum pum


I married in the spring


pa rum pum pum pum


And now it’s Christmas time


pa rum, pum pum pum


and I ain’t got a dime


pa rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum


 


I can’t afford to drink


pa rum pum pum pum


This cheap cigar sure stinks


pa rum pum pum


My friends all laugh at me


pa rum pum pum pum


Because I once was free


pa rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum


Now I’m all done


 


The Herald News