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The Suburbanite
  • Charita Goshay: No one ever thinks to thank Santa

  • If your job is anything like mine, whatever you do, no good deed goes unpunished. I’m sure you field complaints all the time that you’re too obese, too jolly, too religious, too liberal, too conservative, and a secret socialist for distributing gifts to people, even when they clearly haven’t earned them.

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  • Dear Santa: Most Christmases, we wave our “want” lists in your face, demand that you deliver, then grab and go, but this season, I wanted to send you a note of  “thanks” for what you brought us.
    If your job is anything like mine, whatever you do, no good deed goes unpunished. I’m sure you field complaints all the time that you’re too obese, too jolly, too religious, too liberal, too conservative, and a secret socialist for distributing gifts to people, even when they clearly haven’t earned them. Another case of the toy-maker versus the toy-takers.
    Firstly, Santa, thank you for not allowing the Mayan Doomsday to derail Christmas, even when the “prediction” was tweaked to occur on Christmas Eve. Some people would have used that as an excuse not to drag out the sleigh.
    THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!
    Thank you for nonstop entertainment, courtesy of the 2012 presidential election. Who knew that a campaign bus could double as a clown car?
    I would be grateful that the election is over but it would be useless, given that speculation about 2016 has already begun, and I live in Ohio.
    Perhaps someone in Columbus will propose legislation to rename Ohio “The State Which Dare Not Speak Its Name” in a bid to throw off the robocalls.
    The problem of course, would be fitting it onto our already-homely and boring license plates.
    But I digress.
    Santa, I would be remiss in neglecting to thank you that, even as we hang from the fiscal cliff by our fingernails, our most inept politicians still are light-years better than the murderous Bashar al-Assad of Syria, Sudanese despot Omar al-Bashir; the for-some-reason-always-shirtless Vladimir Putin, and crazy-cakes Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe.
    I thank you that despite our immaturity and myriad problems, no place is better than here.
    GANGNAM STYLE!
    Gracias, Santa, for giving us such much-needed diversions as “Gangnam Style,” “Call Me Maybe,” “Game of Thrones,” the London Olympics (except for that Dickensian opening), Felix Baumgartner’s space jump, Naked Prince Harry, and tweets from rich celebrities and athletes that were so dumb, they made the rest of us feel better about our fortunes.
    Being the goal-oriented person you are, you can understand my appreciation for Jimmy Haslam, a team owner who actually cares when the Cleveland Browns do something stupid. I like that in a guy.
    I’m also profoundly grateful for this job, Santa, even though hating one’s hometown newspaper has become a bloodsport. We know we provide a public service.
    I would say thank you for last week’s snow, but we both know that I’d be lying. Now, if you want to grant me a gift that keeps on giving, I’ll take global warming.