The birds serenade us by day, the peepers by night. The air is salubrious, the terrain green. And smiles come out of hibernation as temperaments adjust comfortably to milder temperatures. Yep, it’s spring all right. And it’s a nightmare.
The birds serenade us by day, the peepers by night.
The air is salubrious, the terrain green.
And smiles come out of hibernation as temperaments adjust comfortably to milder temperatures.
Yep, it’s spring all right.
And it’s a nightmare.
That’s because spring fever can leave your office productivity feeling listless, achy and even a little nauseous.
As a member of middle management, it’s up to you to be the office’s ibuprofen.
How often have you heard employees make the following remarks on a lovely, spring day:
“Boy, I wish I could be outside.”
“Boy, it’s hard to get any work done on a day like this.”
“Boy, this’d be a great day to be anywhere but here.”
“Boy, we preface casual remarks with ‘boy’ a lot in this office.”
Clearly, you’ve got to shut these people up, except maybe that last one.
It’s important to be subtle, however, because studies indicate that people typically think quite well of spring.
Here are some recommended rejoinders to roll out when employees begin extolling spring’s supposed virtues:
“Isn’t it interesting how violent street crime increases dramatically when the weather gets warmer? Good thing we’re all safe in here at our desks.”
“Wow, I bet the pollen count is through the roof today. Luckily for us, we’re all here at our desks in a climate-controlled environment.”
“Has anyone read the recent study results confirming the harmful effects posed by too much exposure to UV rays? Good thing we’re here at our desks basking in the glow of artificial light.”
And finally, “It’s funny how harmful weather activity often accompanies the change in seasons. I’d sure rather be here at my desk than out in a field somewhere being struck by bolt after bolt of lightning.”
If these comments prove to be too subtle, consider the following steps:
· Eliminate windows
· Discourage references to the sun
· Speak disparagingly of plant life
· Install floor-to-ceiling cubicles
These are just a few of the options available to middle management to counteract the baleful effects of springtime.
To paraphrase Kipling:
If you can keep with the gloom while others want to leave the room
With many a mention that springtime’s no fun
Yours is the office and all the keyboards that are in it
And – which is more – you’re model middle management, my son!
Frank Mulligan is an editor in GateHouse Media New England’s Plymouth, Mass., office, and can be reached at email@example.com.