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The Suburbanite
  • Craig Salters: An interview with Fiscal Cliff

  • Don’t ask me how I did it, but I was recently able to snag an exclusive interview with the most controversial figure in Washington, D.C., right now. Fiscal Cliff.


     

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  • Don’t ask me how I did it, but I was recently able to snag an exclusive interview with the most controversial figure in Washington, D.C., right now.
    Fiscal Cliff.
    “The liberal media are making me out to be the bad guy, but they’ve got it all wrong,” said Fiscal Cliff from his home in suburban Chevy Chase. “I’m offering a dose of reality so that both sides will work together to do the right thing.”
    “What exactly do you want?” I asked him.
    “Basically, I’m saying that we need to make significant tax increases and significant spending cuts or else I take over, which would spell disaster for everyone,” explained Fiscal Cliff.
    “And by ‘disaster’ you mean?”
    “Significant tax increases and significant spending cuts.”
    “But isn’t that the same thing?” I asked.
    “It’s Washington,” said Fiscal Cliff a bit sheepishly. “It’s complicated.”
    I didn’t want to anger this important newsmaker, but I knew it would be my only chance to talk to him. I pressed.
    “But if we resort to your Draconian cuts and taxes, won’t it hurt hardworking American families?”
    Fiscal Cliff straightened in his chair.
    “Families?” he repeated. “You think I don’t have a family of my own to worry about?”
    He continued. “The Wall Street crash cost my older brother, Statistical Norm, his accounting job. The cuts in school budgets cost my younger brother, Physical Ed, his job as a gym teacher. And the newspaper industry is struggling so much that my cousin, Page Phil, might lose his pension.”
    “That sounds terrible,” I offered.
    “It gets worse,” he said. “My uncle, Jungle Jim, can’t find work building playgrounds for public schools. Luckily he just got a contract with a snooty prep school but he had to change his name to get the job.”
    “To what?” I asked.
    “To Jungle James,” he said.
    I could see he was upset. I tried my best to console the man.
    “I can see you really do care about the average Joe,” I said.
    “Average Joe? He’s my nephew,” Fiscal Cliff said. “He’s OK, I guess. Nothing great but nothing terrible, either. He and his brother, Even Steven, are inseparable.”
    “What I mean,” I countered, “is that you should be very proud of your family.”
    “Damn straight,” he said before softening up a little. “We’re all decent, hardworking Americans. Well… except for Lazy Susan.”
    The interview was almost over, but I asked him one final question.
    “What do you want to tell the American people?”
    Page 2 of 2 - “That they shouldn’t judge me until they get to know me,” he responded.
    I followed up. “But how can they possibly get to know you?”
    “Well, I’m Cliff,” he said with a smile. “They should drop over some time.”
    Craig Salters can be reached at 781-837-4575 or by email at csalters@wickedlocal.com.