Following the humiliating disclosure of a $2 billion trading loss at their bank, JPMorgan Chase executives are being ordered to do the demeaning menial work at the offices and homes of other financial chiefs that was once thought to be the province only of the nation’s less fortunate 99.9 percent.

Following the humiliating disclosure of a $2 billion trading loss at their bank, JPMorgan Chase executives are being ordered to do the demeaning menial work at the offices and homes of other financial chiefs that was once thought to be the province only of the nation’s less fortunate 99.9 percent.


In the past week, the bank’s highest paid executives have spent their days cleaning toilets at the Bank of America Tower in Midtown, mopping the floors at Goldman Sachs’ headquarters in Lower Manhattan, and trimming the grass and hedges at the 2.3-acre estate in Greenwich owned by Citigroup Chief Executive Vikram Pandit.


“If this has anything to do with the Volcker Rule, I will be all over that #$%^’s bathroom like Joe the Plumber,” growled JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon, who was on his knees trying to unclog a troublesome toilet in the Bank of America Tower. “I don’t see what me working on a backed-up toilet has to do with making derivative markets less opaque. I am going to talk to the Securities and Exchange Commission about this. Something doesn’t seem right.”


Not even Ina Drew, the chief investment officer who suddenly retired from the bank after presiding over JPMorgan’s $2 billion trading loss, could escape the degrading experience of being ordered about like a commoner by a fellow banking executive.


“I just hope Pandit is enjoying this,” said Ms. Drew, carefully bandaging a blister on her trading finger, “because the hedges at my home are a lot taller than his.”


During an interview with David Gregory on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Mr. Pandit described the landscaping work done on his property so far by Ms. Drew and her two one-time lieutenants at JPMorgan, Achilles Macris and Javier Martin-Artajo, as “sloppy” and “stupid.”


“There’s almost no excuse for it,” Mr. Pandit said.


Back in Manhattan and now bent over a mop on the 40th floor at the offices of Goldman Sachs, Mr. Dimon, who prides himself on having a finger on the pulse of his managers’ work, no matter how far afield it is, rejected criticisms about the performance of Ms. Drew and her fellow executives at the Pandit estate. In a conference call with the Service Employees International Union, Mr. Dimon called the worries “a complete tempest in a teapot.”


But the next day the JPMorgan chief executive backed away from that confident position, telling the janitors, security officers and food service workers represented by the SEIU, “We were dead wrong to dismiss the concerns.”


But this time, he added, squeezing grimy water from his mop, it would be up to Mr. Pandit to work out a separation agreement with the three executives tasked with beautifying his property.


“I’m done doing his dirty work,” Mr. Dimon said.


While put off with the timing of JPMorgan’s $2 billion trading loss — coming just as Congress was turning its attention to financial regulation — Bank of America Chief Executive Brian Moynihan said it was almost worth the bother just to be able to watch Mr. Dimon on his knees trying to unclog a troublesome toilet.


“I’ll give him this, he refused to take off his cufflinks. But it was nice to really see him get his hands dirty,” said Mr. Moynihan, who added that his next tasks for Mr. Dimon include driving pampered children in his neighborhood to school and babysitting his friend’s bratty 4-year-old twins.


“This could happen to any of us,” noted Goldman Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein, whose entire staff just returned, muddied, from a fox hunting trip, “But it hasn’t. I hope Jamie and his executive team have rested well because these halls are dirtier than the English countryside.”


Usually a fierce critic of federal regulators meddling with banks, Mr. Dimon said yesterday that JPMorgan would be open to inquiries from regulators into the servitude that he and his trusted workmates have been thrown into.


“All I will say,” he told reporters in a conference call, “is I can’t promise I won’t make the same mistake.”


Philip Maddocks is a political satire columnist for GateHouse News Service. He can be reached at pmaddocks@wickedlocal.com.