Next time your wife gets under your skin, bring up the lamented thongs.
A friend called with a female problem. He forgot Valentine’s Day. I agreed to present his problem before the Greater Canton Testosterone Club Coffee Hour, which assembled a defense for him:
A VALENTINE ROSE IS A THORN
“You forgot it again.”
“The home-equity loan flopped.”
“How could you?”
“Chocolates cause acne.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“I gave up Fredericks of Hollywood for Lent.”
“You’re not the man I married.”
“Steve McQueen is dead.”
LET LOVE STINK A LITTLE
When she settles down, ask her, “Why can’t love come in degrees?” Women think love is immutable, like the Statue of Liberty or Elton John. A diamond is forever, but the setting gets a little green around the edges.
Women can’t fathom that a man’s love can change in a flash, like “Hey you, your turn to do the dishes.” At that instant, a man will love his Chevy Silverado more than his lover. Not to worry. Twelve pans later and men are cozy in the kitchen again.
Women demand our undivided devotion, especially on trash day. Men think that’s all wet, especially when it's raining.
THOSE TEENSY SECRETS
The elevator door opens. Three women aboard: “She did WHAT?”
Suddenly, stares of silence.
Men think, “Is it my deodorant, or do I look like a divorce lawyer?”
Women have little secrets they only tell women. A guy walks in on the chatter, and it’s the Berlin Wall.
We have two kinds of electronic messages: Email and “she-mail.” What do they talk about all the time? Why do they wink, wink?
RESPECT MALE ANTIQUITIES
Men love shredded shirts, junky jeans, stinky sneakers. Funk R Us. We’re away on a fishing trip, and suddenly our closets look like Giorgio Armani Ltd.
“I can’t believe you threw out my thongs. They had another 100 miles on them.”
“They smelled like a seat on a cross-town taxi.”
“But why throw them out?”
ALL WOMEN ARE OUR MOTHERS
Here comes the bride. Six minutes later, it’s “Wipe your feet.”
Men crave cheese popcorn in bed. Two bites and it’s like nuclear disarmament never happened.
And I’m not even going to mention that toilet-seat thing.
MARC’S EVERY SATURDAY MORNING
“I want to read my paper.”
“We’re going to Marc’s.”
“I want my coffee.”
“I saw the warehouse truck there last night.”
Page 2 of 2 - “I want my eggs and bacon and muffin.”
“Maybe they have those rattan chairs.”
Men are bored to shop. Women’s lives revolve around coupon expiration dates.