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The Suburbanite
  • Gary Brown: Be careful when deciding on a funny Valentine’s card

  • When searching for the perfect way to say, “I love you,” be sure not to pick up a card that sends you to the singles table.

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  • “To the One I Love,” the large, red Valentine’s Day card began. “You’re everything to me. Someone I can count on. Someone I believe in. ... Blah, blah, blah.”
    Well, the “blah” part wasn’t printed on the card, which had a rich-looking inner liner that served up even more loving thoughts — enough to warrant the $8.29 price. With all deference to the Beatles, and their song, apparently I can buy me love.
    I stumbled on the card in the “romance” section of a store’s card rack. I say “stumbled” because I shop almost exclusively in the “friend, funny” slots — the place where you can find such caring cards as one supposedly from the recipient’s pet. The front of one card I saw in those slots was almost completely covered by the picture of a feline face.
    “Have a happy Valentine’s Day,” the cat says, until you open the card and the supposedly caring animal adds, “Or, don’t, either way I won’t lose any sleep over it.”
    It’s signed simply “The Cat.”
    WITH LOVE?
    So this is where we are in celebrating the most romantic of holidays. Actually, it gets worse.
    In a slot in the “husband, funny” section of this particular selection of cards, I found one that pictured a monkey — it might have been a baboon — on the front, which I think guys will agree isn’t a good start to a “husband, funny” card. Beside the animal were the words “Happy Valentine’s Day to My Prime Mate.” Inside, the card said, “Love Ya Bunches!” amid many hearts.
    Nice thought, but I think I can speak for all men who receive this card when I ask, with as much love and understanding as I can muster, “Hey, what’s the monkey reference supposed to mean, banana breath?”
    As we can see, even with something as romantic as Valentine’s Day, or maybe because of it, relationships can be difficult to maintain.
    RETURN TO SENDER
    One particularly dangerous section of the racks that I noticed was devoted to “wife, funny” cards.
    “I was making a list of all the things I love about you, and know what I came up with?” one card asked.
    Guys, please be careful with a card such as this. Never just get in a hurry and toss it into your shopping basket without looking inside. This particular one was OK. It said, “Writer’s cramp!” Whew. But you never can be sure you’re not holding a “wife, funny” card that could quickly shift you over to the “former husband, sarcastic” card slots, as far as your wife is concerned.
    The safest cards I found were in the “grandma and grandpa” slots.
    Page 2 of 2 - “To Grandma and Grandpa, who are nice, fun, caring, special,” the card began, polishing the red hearts on the front as if they were apples. Inside, the card said, “... and loved very much.”
    You never see a bad “grandma and grandpa” card. Valentine’s Day is a long time before Christmas, but why take chances?