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The Suburbanite
  • Charita Goshay: Best headlines of 2013 ... so far

  • It’s early in the year, but already some the best headlines of 2013 have been published

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  • Yes, they harass celebrities, create “stars” out of reality-show train wrecks and spread spurious gossip about innocent people.
    Their networks of spies and snitches are second to none. They could find out, to the light bulb, just how many nuclear armaments are in North Korea and Iran.
    The tabloids knew Michael Jackson was dead before his family did.
    If you’re a married celebrity seen smiling at someone, anyone, a tabloid can turn it into a full-blown affair, complete with blurry pictures shot inside the drugstore.
    Are you a politician with a secret love child? You might just as well show up at his T-ball game, or tweet “It’s a girl!” and be done with it.
    One tabloid in particular has been predicting Jesus’ return since he was a middle-schooler and has tagged every American president since John F. Kennedy as the Antichrist.
    And now that President Barack Obama’s alleged doppelganger has been discovered portraying Satan in the TV series “The Bible,” the head of some editor in a tabloid newsroom probably has exploded at the mere thought of how much mileage can be gleaned from it.
    That said, nobody, nobody, writes better headlines than the fish wraps do. They’re so provocative that you’re compelled, at the very least, to peruse the cover while you’re standing in line at the grocery store, pretending not to look.
    Until now.
    It’s early in the year, but already some the best headlines of 2013 have been published not by the tabloids but by mainstream media outlets and public relations firms:
    • “Lottery Winners Accidentally Blow Up House while Celebrating With Meth.”
    • “Woman Bites Off Boyfriend’s Tongue.”
    • “Mom Cuffed After Stripping on Stage at Son’s School Assembly.”
    • “Zombies Increase Gun Sales.”
    • “Professor Strips, Shows 9/11 Footage During Class.”
    • “Texas Woman Calls 911: I Need Some Cigarettes.”
    • “Massachusetts Boy, 9, Calls 911 to Avoid Early Bedtime.”
    • “Leopard Injures Several Idiots.”
    • “Ex-Senator Admits to Fathering Child with Other Senator’s Daughter.”
    • “Hitler, Frankenstein Compete in Indian Local Elections.”
    • “Florida Man Shot by Dog, Police Say.”
    • “Charlie Sheen Admits He’s Lindsey Lohan’s Mentor.”
    • “Who Wants to Manage Detroit’s Finances?”
    • “Is your Company Watching your Weight?”
    • “Couple Marries at Uncle’s funeral.”
    • “Pig on a Date Riles One Million Moms.”
    And it isn’t even summer.