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The Suburbanite
  • Gary Brown: For the right price, anyone can name my stuff

  • I don’t see any reason why the Cleveland Browns shouldn’t make money off calling Browns Stadium FirstEnergy Stadium: Home of the Cleveland Browns. In fact, I think I should be able to sell the name of my house, as well.

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  • I don’t see any reason why the Cleveland Browns shouldn’t make money off calling Browns Stadium FirstEnergy Stadium: Home of the Cleveland Browns — the same way that the Cleveland Indians brought in a few bucks with Progressive Field and the Cleveland Cavaliers did a deal for Quicken Loans Arena.
    In fact, I think I should be able to sell the name of my house, as well. Maybe Roto-Rooter Residence: Money Pit of Gary Brown. Maybe I could rename my backyard storage barn the Briggs & Stratton Tool Facility. That would fancy it up a bit, so when burglars break in they wonder why “all there is here is a broken push mower, a couple of rakes, a weed whacker without any whacking string, and a rusty socket set ...”
    MORE NAMING RIGHTS
    If they set the right price, corporations can name my entire living space.
    Rooms in my house easily can conform to some company line. The bedroom could become the Sealy Posturepedic Sleep Room and the living room can change to the Toshiba LCD TV Home Sports Stadium. I’d consent to call my kitchen the Mr. Coffee Morning Counter, since java and cereal are about all I ever make in there and I don’t hear Kellogg’s banging on my door. I’m willing to refer to my basement as either the Tide Color-Fast Laundry Room or the Target Storage Shelving Area.
    Surely there are brands of toothpaste or shower soap that would like to hang their names — potentially, I’ve signed no contracts — on my Crest Cavity-Prevention Sink or my Coast Odor-Eliminating Shower Stall.
    NAME MY LIFE
    I’m not proud. I’ll sell the naming rights to the rest of my life if it’s profitable enough. Since I’m not getting anything for nicknaming my car Sally, why shouldn’t I bank some dough for calling it Saturn Sally. I know Saturn went out of business, but maybe there’s some car buff who would pay to keep the name alive.
    My golf clubs already have a name on their bag, for heaven’s sake. And although TaylorMade doesn’t give me a dime for carrying their name around — they may not want to when they see me play — I will sell them the rights to add, in parentheses, “(His Game Is Not Our Responsibility)” underneath their name. And on my club’s head covers they can add “(We’re Embarrassed Too)”. Call it un-naming rights.
    This selling of naming rights could be profitable. I’m open to bartering. I’d probably let my mailbox — my U.S. Postal Service Letter Drop — be painted red-white-and-blue for the price of some stamps.