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Portage Lakes, Ohio —
You sitting down? Good! Because what I'm about to write may make your ol' peepers jump right out of their sockets. So don't be surprised if you're told you need your glasses changed.
As many of you know, I'm a sucker for history, especially genealogy. Devoting many hours of spare time researching family history, my wife, Peggy, says I'm just looking for black sheep. She says my approach is wrong…that all I need to do is gaze in a mirror.
That is neither here nor there, I'll tell you exactly what I told her. “I may be related to “Ol' Blue Eyes” himself, Honey. That's right, Frank Sinatra. The “Chairman of the Board.” I may even be related to John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe and Mickey Mantle. Even the genes of John Dillinger, Renée Zellweger and Pope John Paul II could be coursing through the veins of my siblings, my offspring and me.”
She stared my way for a second or two and then, looking at the dog, she pointed toward me and uttered a one word command. “Kill!” Sadie Lou, bless her li'l heart, recognized the danger I might have been put in and sat by my side, snarling her pearly whites and guarding me like a faithful sentry.
I happened upon this li'l tidbit of news recently, folks, quite by accident. The latest genealogy research led me its way. You see, I have blue eyes and according to the USA TODAY, there's a possibility everyone who has blue eyes may be kin. That's right, even you. We could even be 97th cousins removed 43 times because according to the article, all blue-eyed people are related.
This recent discovery dates from six to 10,000 years ago. It comes from an international team of researchers in Denmark who apparently have nothing better to do than to check out blue eyes. Why? Who knows! I once heard about a whole tribe of people on some other continent who bob their heads like chickens, dance in circles and place curses on others! Just as soon as I find out where or why, I'll share it.
Regardless, these Danish researchers say everyone with blue eyes descends from one ancestor whose genes mutated about 6000 B.C… give or take 2,000 years (don't you love the way they pinpoint the time?). According to the Danes, everyone before this blue-eyed mutant arrived had beautiful, deep brown eyes. How they determined this they didn't say, but I'm sure it wasn't from exhuming 10,000- year-old graves to check eye colors.
You sitting down? Good! Because what I'm about to write may make your ol' peepers jump right out of their sockets. So don't be surprised if you're told you need your glasses changed.
As many of you know, I'm a sucker for history, especially genealogy. Devoting many hours of spare time researching family history, my wife, Peggy, says I'm just looking for black sheep. She says my approach is wrong…that all I need to do is gaze in a mirror.
That is neither here nor there, I'll tell you exactly what I told her. “I may be related to “Ol' Blue Eyes” himself, Honey. That's right, Frank Sinatra. The “Chairman of the Board.” I may even be related to John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe and Mickey Mantle. Even the genes of John Dillinger, Renée Zellweger and Pope John Paul II could be coursing through the veins of my siblings, my offspring and me.”
She stared my way for a second or two and then, looking at the dog, she pointed toward me and uttered a one word command. “Kill!” Sadie Lou, bless her li'l heart, recognized the danger I might have been put in and sat by my side, snarling her pearly whites and guarding me like a faithful sentry.
I happened upon this li'l tidbit of news recently, folks, quite by accident. The latest genealogy research led me its way. You see, I have blue eyes and according to the USA TODAY, there's a possibility everyone who has blue eyes may be kin. That's right, even you. We could even be 97th cousins removed 43 times because according to the article, all blue-eyed people are related.
This recent discovery dates from six to 10,000 years ago. It comes from an international team of researchers in Denmark who apparently have nothing better to do than to check out blue eyes. Why? Who knows! I once heard about a whole tribe of people on some other continent who bob their heads like chickens, dance in circles and place curses on others! Just as soon as I find out where or why, I'll share it.
Regardless, these Danish researchers say everyone with blue eyes descends from one ancestor whose genes mutated about 6000 B.C… give or take 2,000 years (don't you love the way they pinpoint the time?). According to the Danes, everyone before this blue-eyed mutant arrived had beautiful, deep brown eyes. How they determined this they didn't say, but I'm sure it wasn't from exhuming 10,000- year-old graves to check eye colors.
Imagine for a minute, folks, the surprise it must have been for the cave parents when they first discovered their new kid had blue eyes. Picture, if possible, the conversation that might have taken place.
“Hmm! Blue eyes,” the once proud cave father mutters with hesitation, but still loud and firm enough for the cave mother to hear.
“I good husband. Work hard hunting. Gather for weeks and weeks,” he says to his cave wife. “Sometimes away from cave for months… but always leave plenty of firewood for warmth. Roof over head. Pantry of good food. I union. charter member of CHARG (Caveman Hunters And Roadkill Gatherers). Good contract. No strike in 17 moons. Make good living. Bring home bacon slabs, dino eggs, home fries, wooly mammoth meat, filet of rattlesnake that tastes just like bar-b-qued chicken.”
Pausing long enough to gather his thoughts, he continues. “Cave mortgage-free. New wheel and hunting spears free and clear. Now where blue eyes come from?”
“Strange indeed,” the wife adds in an attempt to patronize her husband. “I watch Dodger Blue baseball. Lay on blue blanket in warm weather. Look at blue sky. Watch blue birds. Eat many blue gill fish from blue lake waters, blueberries and concord grapes. Gaze upon blue bell, blue crocuses and blue Iris flowers. Bathe in blue lake waters. Drink fresh blue spring water. Maybe too much blue.”
“Hmm! Possible? Cave husband give cave wife benefit of doubt,” the cave father says. “Next kid, we watch football, basketball with brown pigskin leather coverings, root for Browns. Cook meat more well done, eat more chocolate. Do everything brown, never blue,” he says. “No more blue tic hounds. No more blue point Siamese cats.”
He hands his wife a new garment. “Here. Change blue polka dot dress. Toss in trash barrel or donate to good cause. Slip on new brown, shaggy, woolly mammoth coat.”
Peggy, continued staring my way while Sadie Lou was enjoying every bit of the story. “I suppose after 40 years you now want out of the marriage because you think I'm kin,” she charged with a broom held securely in one hand and a frying pan in the other.
Thinking fast for a quick recovery I answered, “Not at all, Sweetie. We're fine. Your eyes are aqua.”
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