The Internet is ruining my life. It took a fictional, crustyarch aeologist from the 50’s to show me this.

I’ve learned quite a lot from Indiana Jones. In a very real(and possibly very sad) way, Professor Jones may be one of the three most influential forces in my life. Back in the 1980’s, when Indy was still young and spry, I didn’t just idolize the guy, I wanted to BE him. And not in that ‘geewhiz’ little kid way. I was a lunatic. I remember asking my mother to cut by hair like Harrison Ford’s. I was Indiana Jones at Halloween for five straight years. I carried a bullwhip. I wore a plastic bowler hat, which to my tiny brain was just like a fedora. I practiced rolling under the half-open garage door while not losing that oh-so-important head adornment. I’ve never wanted to be anyone else.

Except for Indy.

A ‘great’ teacher

As far as fictional idols go, it’s hard to top Indiana Jones.  Indy taught this impressionable seven-year-old some valuable lessons. Such as:

 -It’s much harder to look good in a fedora than you’d think.

-Nazis: Constantly up to something.

-Always make them throw you the whip before you throw them the idol.

-If it’s old or gold, it’s likely booby-trapped.

-Always, ALWAYS, go after the Ark.

When the new Indiana Jones movie was announced, I was giddy. Then skeptical. But mostly giddy. Actually, mostly skeptical. After all, Harrison Ford had to be pushing 70, right? Was an Indiana Jones with a neck waddle really a good idea? How was someone who qualifies for 30-cent coffee at McDonald’s going to dodge blow darts, fight Nazis, and relay any meaningful wisdom while doing it?

Another lesson Indy taught me, one I forgot. Never underestimate Indiana Jones. Because even as an AARP-card holder, weeks before the new movie is released, my old hero has managed to teach me something. About technology he’d never had the chance to hear about.

The Internet is ruining my life.

Happy night in 1983

One of the seven happiest moments of my life came on a Sunday night in late 1983. The family was watching TV. I was seven years old and still known to act out scenes from 1981’s Raiders of the Lost Ark, the first and only Indiana Jones adventure. The A-Team paused for a commercial break and there he was: My hero. This time, Indy was jumping from planes and fighting on rope bridges. It was the first I’d heard of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and my little mind was blown. I think there’s still gray-matter on my mother’s carpet.

I’ve grown up loving movies. Even more than movies, I love movie trailers. A good movie trailer can make even the most rancid corpse of a film smell like lilacs and caramel. Temple of Doom was the first trailer I ever remember seeing, and it blindsided me in a life-altering way. When I go to the movies (much to my wife’s anti-delight) I INSIST on getting there in time for the previews. I’m trying to catch that same magic I caught in 1983. Magic that just isn’t there. Because of the Internet.

Trailer times 12

A few weeks ago, the newest Indiana Jones trailer was unveiled before Iron Man. I watched it. I enjoyed it. I’d seen it 12 times already. The Internet makes it possible for a junkie like me to know every single thing there is to know about any single flick I want. And, like a junkie, I can’t help myself. If I would have been surprised at all by that trailer for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, they’d still be CSI-ing my skull fragments out of some dude’s popcorn.

Instead, I ho-hummed my way through it, went home and watched the same thing 20 times on iTunes. Back in 1983, I’d have gone outside and reenacted the damn thing 80 times until I saw it again. The following week.

Just log off

The Internet is the single most revolutionary development to happen to humans in 50 years. But it’s stolen a certain magic that can’t really be replaced, at least for me. I guess I could just quit. Log off. Go blind. I could.

But then I wouldn’t learn everything there is to know about how an ever-aging archaeologist will surviveFriday’s bout with crazy Russians in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

And the inevitable sequels that I’ll be Googling Saturday.