“Joy to the world! The personally accepted deity has come;
“Let earth receive her inoffensive spiritual entity!”
Sing with us now popular Christmas carols as they might have to be rewritten to conform to our more religiously-tolerant but regulation-laden times. They don’t always rhyme as well, but they’ll likely keep you out of court.
And, we’ll try not to foster any activities that put anybody in physical danger. When belting out “Deck the halls with boughs of holly,” for example, singers should spend a little less time following it with the silly chorus “fa la la la la la la la la” and a lot more time reading the many helpful safety warnings on their stepladders.
Cue the carolers.
“Rudolph the nose-color-challenged reindeer ...”
A FEW SAMPLES
We need to start by being sensitive about gender.
“God rest ye merry, gentlemen,
“And be happy, women, as well.”
In our current atmosphere of frequent civil suits, we also need to be watchful we don’t carelessly accuse someone of wrongdoing without ironclad proof or the proper consideration of extenuating circumstances.
“I saw Mommy allegedly kissing Santa Claus,
“Underneath the mistletoe which made it legal.”
And, we need to be careful not to wish or dream about getting anything seasonal that would be hazardous overall for those celebrating the holiday.
“I’m warning you of a white Christmas,
“With slippery streets and low visibility.”
Also, all references to what a joy it is to ride — “laughing all the way (ha ha ha)” — in a one-horse open sleigh, should be accompanied by a mandate that such sleighs be equipped with an approved roll bar to which seat belts with secure shoulder straps can be attached.
In some cases, all we need is a little simple rewording of our carols, to more accurately portray our holiday desires when we lean forward to whisper into the ear of Jolly Old Saint Nicholas. After all, Bobby doesn’t want a pair of skates anymore, he wants video games. And Suzy wants a snowmobile instead of a sled. Forget the picture book for Nellie. She wants a new cellphone, a better music player, and a more stylish computer tablet.
“Yellow, blue and red ...”
Things definitely have changed. So, when singing “Little Drummer Boy,” keep the volume of the “pa rum pum pum pum” down within to your condo community’s noise restrictions. And, to be more politically correct when you sing “O Tannenbaum,” sing it in English. “O Christmas Tree.” You might even want to make it “O Holiday Tree,” since it appears these days not everyone puts up a Christmas tree.
Page 2 of 2 - I don’t want to take the jingle out of your bells this holiday, but the world is changing. And, we need to adapt, I suppose, even if it means enduring some uncomfortable moments during caroling.
Singing “All I want for Christmas is two front implants that are covered by dental insurance with a small co-payment” might be simple enough.
But, if we need to cut the “12 Days of Christmas” down to eight because of the economic hard times, I think I’ll miss the drummers drumming, the pipers piping, the lords a leaping and the ladies dancing.
Reach Gary at 330-580-8303 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
On Twitter: @gbrownREP